Origins of the Trunk

My sense of timing isn't always the best, I suppose. I woke this morning full of energy and ready to tackle my stuff, at least in the spare room. However, this morning was already given over to a promised workshop/potluck for a choral group I direct. I did manage, however, to get some questionable items removed from the fridge, and carried out a box of no longer wanted items that I will drop off at the mission this afternoon. I consider it a minor success that I came back to my house with fewer things than I left with at 9:00 this morning.


Over lunch I talked with some of my friends about this steamer trunk of extra possessions. There is some small comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my battle.  Others have a more difficult fight than I do.  Some don't even have the problem. I am not sure if it's because they truly don't have excess "stuff," or that they don't view too many things in their house as a problem.  I can speak only to my own battle.  I have too many things and it does bother me.


One friend told me that she religiously cleans out cupboards and drawers twice a year.  She's offered to come in and help me with my spare room, where most of my excess resides.  I want to see if I can do this myself.


Where are the roots of this inablilty to let go of possessions? I know that my pantry and freezer are stuffed because I remember difficulties with enough food growing up. I am getting better at rotating and using things now before they go out of date and spoil. I live withing walking distance of three grocery stores; I no longer have to rely on the produce of a garden to make it through the winter.  More importantly, I learned, while I was in Paris, the benefits of shopping daily. Fresh is better. I don't have to hoard canned spinach.  I am trying to establish new patterns, and it's a seesaw sort of process.


I had an aunt whose house was stuffed to the gills with stuff.  Every square inch of wall space was covered with a collection of some sort. Thimbles, football (mostly Washington Redskin) memorabilia, commemorative plates, spoon racks.  It made me tired and jangly to be surrounded by so many things. She once told me that she knew her mother had never loved her. I think she was right; I believe she spent most of her adult life trying to stuff possesions into the hole in her soul created by that perceived lack. I have a sister who is following closely on her heels.  I know that my issues are not as great as either of theirs, but the doesn't make them any less difficult for me to handle.  The main difference between us is that I am trying to be self aware, and it's not always a comfortable position.


Besides, I have always lived in small spaces and have never had the chance to accumulate as much as they have.  I have tried to fill the hole in my soul with food, I think.  That issue is going to take some time to examine. Maybe the two issues are linked?